Saturday, August 16, 2008

5 Years Ago

Do any of you journal? I used to keep a journal, the only place I could jot down my thoughts on a regular basis and free my mind. Since I picked up blogging, I don't journal. But while I was cleaning out some magazines this morning, I ran across my journal from 5 years ago. It has a list of To-Do's for each room of the house...things to paint, refurbish, buy, etc. Almost none of those lists were ever completed.

The pages where I jotted my thoughts are gone...ripped out, although I don't remember when that happened. 5 years ago this week, I shared too much with a friend, who shared too much in return. And instead of dealing with the fallout, I decided to walk away for a while. We haven't spoken since.

I tried conjoling, teasing, joking, pleading. This had to be attempted entirely online since he refused my phone calls. I seriously considered actual begging. In person. But the logisitics of it all weren't in my favor. The ocean was a problem.


So I waited. Waited for a phone call, an email, a letter. Waited for forgiveness, which never came. Meantime, I journaled my thoughts. At some point, they must have been painful to re-read...thus the ripping and removing.

Five years ago, I sent an apology fruit basket (don't laugh yet, it gets better). All the way from Scotland filled with exotic fruits & nuts, obnoxiously large and extravagant. It was intended as a joke, but also a plea.
One month later I received a notice in the mail that I had a package too large to deliver. Filled with ominous foreboding (hehe, that's me being literary) I went to my tiny local P.O. to sign for my package. A 3 x 3 foot box was hauled out, it's corners stained and leaky. From the UK.

Mortified I signed for it and raced (as fast as you can race with a 3 x 3 leaking box) out to my little 2-door car. The box wouldn't fit. I couldn't wedge it in the back seat, and I couldn't fit it in the miniscule trunk. Meanwhile, I had gathered quite a crowd of observers because it's not every day someone in my little town receives a package from o'er the pond...not to mention one that was apparently VERY INTERESTING.

I squished it as much as possible and got the trunk closed, thankfully able to rush home. But dare I open it? Obviously, it reeked. I can't imagine how it ever got through customs. Inside the box was a sad, once-extravagant, exotic fruit basket. Bow now limp, fruit now mush, nuts intact.

Of course I didn't hesitate to paw through the smelly mess hoping for a letter, a note...but no. Nothing. Just the basket. I actually enjoy this story now, although at the time I thought it possible my heart would never be pieced back together.
I felt so much frustration because we weren't communicating. With time and distance, I can now see the dialogue I refused to see then. Because we were definitely having a conversation when I sent the large tub of fruit, and he in turn sent it to me. It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Five years ago, on our birthday, I sent a funny card. It had been picked up long before the email that ended all emails. When I mailed it, I didn't include a return address so there was no way to return it to me. Victory! (Shut up! He did too read it!)

You see, we share a birthday. Just one of those coincidental, odd trivialities that once was a blessing("HA! Now you can never say you forgot my birthday!") and became a sort of curse. Because it's true...I've never forgotten.

This week I lost a favorite girlfriend (who turned out to not be much of a friend at all.) It wasn't as painful as 5 years ago, but maybe I'm numb. I've learned enough in the past 5 years about friends and people to know that...people aren't always who they seem. I don't know if that makes me wiser or jaded.

But you know what? I have a whole lot of friends left. And maybe it's true that your heart has to break a little to grow. Not to get all mushy or anything, but I'm thankful for all of you. For distracting me from my troubles, for making me laugh, for emailng to check when I'm absent, for passing the bottle when I need it (and even when I don't. you know who you are).

I ♥ my girlfriends!

The payoff if you made it to the end of this extremely long and non-sew-isty post was, of course, the LURV.

10 comments:

  1. I'm not sure what to say. I'm sorry you lost your friend and that the pain still lingers. However your are very correct about the remaining friends :0 g

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  2. I think that's one of those things you figure out as you get older... you don't have to be friends--or stay friends--with everybody. Sometimes it's better to let go, even if it's hard.

    I don't journal anymore either! My journal is still in my night stand, waiting for me to return. But I don't know if I can go back. Reading old ones is kind of painful, but you can't really throw them away, so I'm having a harder time seeing the point.

    Maybe journals are like friends... sometimes you have to let them go.

    Well, I'm happy to be among the count of your online friends!

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  3. You have really had some hard things to go through! Relationships can be so difficult at times. You are right to focus on the friends you have. I am happy to be one of you online friends too. Thank you for letting us in on this part of you.

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  4. Letting go of friendships is hard, it makes me feel like a quitter. There was no disagreement, just a growing apart, which nags at me. Maybe if I called more often? Maybe if I made an effort to visit? But the truth is, everything happens for a reason (I'm a believer in that, my husband is not) and you just have to be thankful for the good times, and Keep Moving Forward. There's a great quote at the end of the Disney movie, "Meet the Robinson's". Cute movie, see it if you haven't yet. It's about going back and fixing life-changing moments.

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  5. I have been in a similar situation with a group of women friends. I had to walk away from them, it really hurt but I am so over it now. I do miss them sometimes but I can finally be myself instead of trying to be who they wanted me to be.

    I am angry that your your fruit basket was returned - the swine!

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  6. Wiser? More jaded? I honestly don't know. But I do think these things make us a bit smarter as we travel the road of life.

    I'm an open book. But just recently I was burned not once, not twice, but three times during an organization meeting for which I volunteered for 3 years. I was being honest, sharing information in order to help someone make a decision for our organization. Only to have it thrown back in my face and used against me. It stung. Then 5 minutes later, she broke a confidence I shared with her in front of the group. Not terrible info by any means, but it was personal and private and could have caused problems for one of my kids. Then I was burned a third time a few minutes after.

    Don't know if she knew how bothered I was by it, but I resigned. I simply don't have the time to put up with such nonsense. But it was time to move on anyway, and I simply left the organization a month early.

    Absolutely no regrets for leaving when I did. And at least I can maintain a civil friendship with her. I can forgive, but I will not forget--it has made me wary of this person's dealings with people. She is efficient, but not a people person. Sometimes we learn the hard way, and we end up smarter for it.

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  7. interesting post and very sad, I guess its a remainder that some things are worth swollowing your pride for

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  8. Wow, all of your responses really mean alot to me. I think from these replies, we've all "been there", and I appreciate the support!

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  9. Thanks for sharing Angie...I think we can all relate to what you are talking about...I know there are people who are no longer in my life (some by their choice and some by mine)and it is sad. I love my blogging friends (I'd never give you guys up!) On the flip side, I had something touching happen as a result of my blog. About 20 years ago I sent a letter to a teacher who was very inspirational in my development, thanking him for his role in my life. Fast forward to present time...I received a comment on my blog from his son, asking if I was the Mary who went to Granite Falls High School and to please email him if I was. I pretty much knew what he had to tell me...that his Dad had passed away. They found my letter in his nightstand and thanked me for acknowledging him because it meant alot to him. So long story short, you never know how much you impact someone, and sometimes it comes back around in a positive way...not as a mushy fruit and nut (I loved that!) basket. Mary

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  10. Shared Birthday9:38 PM

    The card was read. Joke never registered until blog was read. Emails also read. Many tears shed each time. Empty spot never will heal. Decisions haunt everyday. Being on here hurts. Do miss everything more than said. Hope message doesn't open wounds for you.

    Man you knew no longer around. Died many moons ago. Good luck in what you search for. It's out of reach here. If Karma is coin, you won toss.

    Dislike leaving message like this, especially note format. Don't want to give things away, although world sees everytime I leave hovel.

    Spent three hours on this. Tells own story. Will be debating this long after posting. Need to believe happenings in past for the best so can live life. Not happened yet. Believe it never will. Not your fault, fates played Royal Flush to my 7 high.

    Apologies for rambling and all badness done. To quote former life; "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it". Know this too well, reminded by people everyday. Reminded by mirror. Tears before bed again here. x

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